I Didn’t Know It Would Still Be This Hard

Three years ago at this time our lives were filled with excitement and the anticipation of becoming parents. Our incredibly short wait to bring our son home was still terrible (any amount of time waiting in the adoption process is terrible) but we had the hope of our lives together.

Just a warning now: This is a pity post. Today I sit at my computer in tears over how hard the last month has been. I’ve alluded to issues that have arisen in previous posts so I won’t rehash all of that here. But I can honestly say that three years ago I could never have imagined the struggle that we’re currently dealing with. I understand now that my optimism was really my being naive.

I knew that the first few months would be hard but then I expected things to get back to normal. A new normal, yes, but still a life more like we were used to living. Instead what we’ve found is disappointment in the support systems we thought we had in place and issues that are creeping up partly because our son is older now and beginning to process things and partly because we didn’t think about how he would see recent experiences.

Honestly it feels like the first month all over again, only with a little more sleep. J needs lots of reassuring, lots of understanding, lots of patience, lots of compassion, and I can honestly say that lately I haven’t been up to the challenge.

I can count on one hand the number of times my husband and I have been out together since J came home in September 2006. That’s something I never thought would happen to us. Before becoming parents, I was eager to lecture my friends on taking care of their marriage and taking care of themselves.

Now I’m one of those mothers who almost never has time away from her child. Not be choice but by circumstance. I miss time with my husband, time to myself to pursue hobbies. I miss the accolades and camaraderie of the work place, though I don’t really miss being at work full-time everyday. I miss vacations, time away to relax and rejuvenate.

Some people will read this and say that I should go back to work. That would provide the accolades, camaraderie, time away, and additional income to do things like vacations. But even if I had the inclination to do that (which I don’t right now), I know that being away from me all day is not what my son needs.

We have such hopes for our families future, but right now they feel like they will never come true. Instead of our lives being filled with help and support, the last couple of years have been filled with loss. We’ve lost close friendships because we chose to build our family through adoption. Our relationships with our families is different now because there is so much about transracial adoption that they don’t understand. And even within the adoption community, where we thought we’d find support, we feel alone. Since so many adoptive families don’t share our views or understanding of the role that adoption, race, and loss of birth culture play in a child’s life, we’ve found it hard to connect even with people who should understand.

That’s not to say that our son doesn’t bring us joy. He does. He’s an amazing little boy who is struggling right now. I understand that and want to be there for him. It’s just that right now I feel like he deserves better than I’m able to give.

Probably lots of moms, biological and adopted, can relate to that. Motherhood truly is the hardest job in the world. And I know that these struggles won’t be the last ones that our family experiences. For our son, adoption is a life-long journey and with it will come wonderful times and hard times. My prayer for our family is that we can find support, mentors, resources, and friends, who can help us along this journey.

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My Korean Culture Blog

Just a reminder that if you want to learn more about Korean culture (both traditional and pop culture), language resources, and cooking, check out my other blog: thekoreanway.wordpress.com It's filled with resources for adoptive families or anyone interested in Korean culture.

Favorite Korean Movies-TV Shows

Be Strong, Geum-Soon
Please Teach Me English
Spy Girl
Tae Gu Ki
2009 Lost Memories

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2worlds1familyblog at gmail dot com

It’s a Small World After All

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