To Camp or Not to Camp?

So summer is almost upon us, and people are contemplating their summer plans.  For many adoptive families those plans include a trip to a heritage/culture or adoptee camp. Early on we thought we’d be one of those families who attended heritage camp each year. We have one that’s held every summer only a couple of hours from our house so it seemed like a no-brainer.

But the first year or two there wasn’t any programming for J. He would have been in daycare while we attended seminars so we decided to wait until he could actually participate in camp-related activities. Then financing became a problem and unemployment meant that camp wasn’t an option. Which brings us to this year, and ironically I have to say that the couple who was thrilled with the idea of heritage camp a few years ago will again not be attending heritage camp. Why this time, you ask? Well, after running the numbers it just doesn’t make financial sense to us.

Here’s a little background. This month J started taekwondo at a dojang with a Korean American instructor that is attended by several Korean American families, and we were given the opportunity to try out our local Korean American school for the remainder of the semester at no cost. So far J is loving both of these opportunities that put him in contact with other Korean Americans on a daily and weekly basis. If we continue Korean school in the fall when the new semester starts, we’d like the whole family to attend given that the school is willing to have an adult beginner’s language course. And, while taekwondo isn’t the cheapest sport out there, we love that it provides a the connection to Korean culture, allows J to learn Korean words, and we believe it’s making a huge difference for J to be around other Korean Americans on a regular basis. He’s figuring out that he’s not alone here as the sole Korean American in our community, which is how I think he felt prior to these opportunities coming along. Eventually my husband and I would like to start taekwondo too.

But both of these opportunities cost money, as does camp. So I priced everything out for our family. What I found was that this year camp would cost approximately $970 for our family of three, including the camp fees, lodging, and meals. (If we tent camped during camp, instead of staying at the lodge, it would be around $460, which is better but still… .) Those figures do not include gas to get to camp, any purchases made at the Korean market they have each year, or any other incidental expenses.

So those “four” days of culture camp (staying at the lodge) would cost the equivalent of eight months of taekwondo (at full price without discounts they offer) or one-and-a-half years of attending Korean school for our whole family. (Even if we tented camped the cost of culture camp would equal almost four months of taekwondo at the full price or one semester of Korean school for our whole family plus an additional semester for one family member.)

If money were no object–if, for instance, our family won the lottery–I’d say we do it all. But given that money is an object, I think we have to get the most bang for our buck. And that just doesn’t seem to be culture camp, at least not the one closest to us. “Four” days of camp is really more like one-and-a-half to two days of actual programming, when you factor in registration day and free time you’re allotted to do recreational things as a family. The camp is run by adoptive parents, which isn’t bad, but I’d personally like it better if the local Korean American community had a leadership role in the camp (local Korean Americans are invited as guests and participate, but to my knowledge don’t help plan the programming). A couple of great things about camp include the camp counselors, who are all adult adpotees, and meeting many other families just like ours. But the likelihood that those families live in our community isn’t great from the stats that I’ve heard, and we have a local program through which we can interact and get to know adult adoptees.

While I’m sure we’d all have a good time at camp, and I don’t dispute it has merit, it just seems like taekwondo and Korean school can provide more for our family right now. Five-day-a-week taekwondo classes and weekly classes at our local Korean school give us regular opportunities to meet and interact with Korean American families in our area, which is one thing we think is really missing for our family. In addition to learning a sport, language, and culture, we’re hoping to make lasting connections and friendships through these opportunities.

Only time will tell at this point. Maybe this time next year, I’ll be back on this blog touting what a wonderful and irreplaceable opportunity heritage camp is. But for now we’re going to stick with the local opportunities that have presented themselves and see where they lead. I’ll keep you updated.

The Whole Life Adoption Book

Are you considering adoption as a way of building your family? Are you just starting the process? How much do you really know about parenting an adopted child? Are you planning to adopt transracial; if so, are you prepared to educate your child about race and racism? If you are considering adoption, then I have just the book to recommend to you. It’s The Whole Life Adoption Book by Jayne E. Schooler.

I just recently found this book, the original version fo which was published in 1993. In 2008, a revised and updated was published. This review is based on the 1993, which I still feel is an excellent resource for adoptive families, especially those just thinking about adoption or early in the process. This book will lay the foundation of the unique parenting journey you are considering.

The book is divided into four parents. The chapters in Part One deal with the unique challenges adoptive parents face, give 10 critical factors for success in building a healthy adoptive family, and talk about how to parent your family and friends for this journey. Part Two deals with attachment and strategies you can use to ease the transition for your child. Part Three covers communicating about adoption, including critical questions and answers for both parents and children and talking with our children about adoption. Then Part Four delves into growing up adopted, including giving our children what they need, helping teens resolve painful issues, birth family searches, and the special challenges that transracial adoption brings.

My favorite part of the book is The Cultural Heritage Plan by Pamela Severs. This plan lays out racial or cultural root activities that families can do from infancy through the teen years. The plan includes establishing relationships with people who share your child’s racial and cultural background; providing culturally appropriate toys, books, and puzzles; introducing culturally appropriate magazines; learning the child’s language of origin; and so much more.

This is one resource I wish I’d had when we were in process. It covers so much of the very important topics that touch the lives of adoptive families. Even if you’re an experienced adoptive family, I think you can still learn from this book. While I’ve already learned many of the lessons in this book (some of them the hard way), it was still a great refresher for me. Not to mention our family can use the Cultural Heritage Plan for years to come.

I encourage you to check this one out, no matter where you are on your adoption journey. I found the 1993 version at our library, but you can buy the revised and updated version from Amazon.com. In comparing the Table of Contents of the two editions, it appears that the chapter on transracial parenting is not included in the updated version. However, after reading one of the Amazon.com reviews it seems that there is extensive coverage of intercountry adoption in the new volume, but I can’t attest to that personally.

Great Link about Identity

I just had to share this link to an article about helping adoptees develop healthy identities. www.pbs.org/parents/experts/archive/2010/11/helping-adoptive-children-find.html

The article is written by Chris Winston, mother of three grown children two of whom are adopted and author of A Euro-American on a Korean Tour at a Thai Restaurant in China, and Deann Borshay Liem, who has produced two documentaries about her adoption including In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee. I have great respect for both of these women.

This is short little article about making connections–deep, meaningful, lasting ones–with members of our children’s ethnic group, and gives some advice in how to go about meeting and making friends within these groups. It’s a message is that I feel is very important to interracial adoptive families, and one I fear too many families are brushing off as not necessary.

Granted, it isn’t an easy thing to do. Our son has been home for four years now and we’re still struggling to find ways to meet and make friends within our local community. But we haven’t given up; we continue to look for ways to connect in hopes of becoming a part of the community in a reciprocal way that Winston talks about.

So much of what we feel is important for our son is, we feel, in a good place right now. He has lots of friends who are adoptees, mostly transracial adoptees, and we have many friends who aren’t caucasian. We have open dialogue about race and adoption with him. But we do feel that the piece of the puzzle that’s missing is being friends with more Korean Americans and doing more to be a part of that community.

So I encourage you to check out the article. It’s good advice from two people who have been there.

Talk to Me in Korean (.com)

If you haven’t discovered this language site yet, please do. I’m so impressed with it, that it’s become my favorite Korean language site.

The people behind TalktoMeinKorean.com originally worked with KoreanClass101.com, so some of the set up is similar. There are audio files/podcasts and written lessons in PDF form. But the best part is that at TalktoMeinKorean.com all of the content is FREE.

In addition to the podcasts and lesson PDFs, they also have workbooks available so you can test your knowledge and review what you’ve learned.

The site just started in December 2009, but they already have three levels worth of lessons available. I haven’t looked ahead too much but there are 20-something lessons in Level 1 alone.

I can’t say enough about TalktoMeinKorean.com, especially since it’s free, and would encourage anyone who is wanting to learn Korean to check it out.

Excellent Transracial Adoption Resource

When we started the process four years ago, it seemed like there weren’t a lot of resources to help us as we became a transracial family. Thankfully that’s changing. One of my recent Internet searches yield this site: www.ifapa.org/resources/cultural_resources.asp

Yes, it’s the Iowa Foster and Adoptive Parents Association but it has some PDFs that can be beneficial no matter where you live. The Cultural Resources page is my favorite part of the site, which is why I’ve linked to it. On it you’ll find a PDF booklet titled “Transracial Parenting in Foster Care and Adoption: Strengthening Your Bicultural Family.” It’s a 48-page guide book that you can print to help you on your transracial parenting journey.

The Cultural Resources page also has links and information about other resources that transracial families can use. Resources are listed for families with African American children, Asian children, and Latino children.

And if you feel you’re creatively challenged when it comes to creating a lifebook for your child, this site has 70 free pages that parents can print and use. You can print the whole book in either English or Spanish, or you can print out individual pages that most relate to your child’s story.

I was so excited to find this resource. I hope it helps you on your journey.

Crash Course in Transracial Parenting

Earlier this week John Raible had a great post over at his site. It was titled “Crash Course in Transracial Parenting.” In the introduction to the course, John writes:

While transracial adoption may be all the rage, most agencies still don’t provide a parenting manual for every white adopter of children of color. No matter how Rich or Famous the parent might happen to be!But you’re in luck. Here, free of charge, is a Crash Course for transracial adoptive parents. Think of it as your guide to getting the education that you will absolutely need in order to effectively and ethically raise an adopted child of color in the United States (and possibly in comparable white settler nations, such as Canada and Australia).

The post goes on to list resources (books, blogs, and movies) that John believes all parents of transracial adoptees should be using. And the source of most, if not all, of the resources on the list are adult adoptees. Yep, while many parents bristle when it comes to adult adoptees, the fact is that those who have been-there-done-that are the most qualified to help us on our journey.

During the last four years, I’ve seen a transformation in myself as an adoptive parent. And much of that transformation can be attributed to listening to adult adoptees (both IRL and those I keep up with through the Web). I think I’ll include more about my transformation in a separate post. But I found it interesting that I’d followed the path John suggests, even before the Crash Course was posted.

So if you’re parenting a transracially adopted child, I’d recommend reading over and going through the Crash Course. You’ll find it here: http://johnraible.wordpress.com/2010/05/25/crash-course-in-transracial-parenting/

Note that there are more resources listed in the comments of the post, including links or where to find some of the resources that John includes in his list. If you’d like company as you go through the Crash Course, some parents have started a blog that will serve as a discussion board for those going through the course. You’ll find that blog at: http://traparenting.wordpress.com/about/.

Dreaming a World: Korean birth mothers tell their stories

I just finished reading Dreaming a World, edited by Sangsoon Han, which is a follow-up to I Wish for You a Beautiful Life. I read the first book while we were waiting for our son to come home, and it moved me to tears. Dreaming a World has just been published by Yeong & Yeong Book Co.

This book is equally good; in fact, I think I might have liked Dreaming a World a little better than the first book. Looking at the situation from an American prospective, it’s hard to understand the prejudice and discrimination that an unwed mother and her child face in Korea. This book brought to light those difficulties. Many of the stories are more recent, and each birth mother letter/story is followed by an update by the book’s editor, who is the director of Ae Ran Won (a home for unwed mothers in Seoul). Since after reading each story you feel like you know the woman, it was nice to read an update and see how they were progressing.

Another thing I enjoyed about this book is that not all of the birth mothers whose stories were printed chose adoption, and a couple of the stories involved domestic adoption (within Korea). It was interesting to read the stories of the women who chose to parent and see an open adoption in Korea, which is rare.

One stories that really touch me was a young woman who went into labor but was refused delivery at two hospitals because she was alone (no husband or parents). Even when a friend and her mother came to serve as her guardian, one hospital refused to deliver the baby because the guardians must be relatives.

Another theme  I saw in many of the stories was that the birth mothers chose international adoption mainly to have a more open relationship with the adoptive families. Several of the birth mothers stated that since there is a prejudice against adoption in Korea, they felt that a domestic adoption would be close with little to no hope of receiving updates on the child or getting to meet the child in the future. International adoption, they felt, would afford them a chance to receive updates, photos, and meet at some point. The thought of meeting their children spurred the birth mothers on to better their lives, even in the face of hardships.

No matter which choice the mother made, each agonized over doing what would be best. Some felt parenting would be a selfish act since children without fathers have a difficult time in Korea. Others decided to face the hardships head on in hopes of someday being a part of changing attitudes in the country. Each woman loved her child and made the decision she felt was best for her and for her child.

Someday I’ll have my son read Dreaming a World and I Wish for You a Beautiful Life. Both books are great resources in helping Korean adoptees understand the role society’s attitudes play in adoption placement.

Fugitive Visions

I love that adult adoptees are speaking out as never before. They’re finding their voices, relating their experiences, and becoming a vital part of the conservation on international adoption. And I’m thankful because good experiences or bad, I can learn from them. At this point, I have no idea how my son will feel about adoption when he’s older. But these adoptees give a glimpse into their feelings so I have a better understanding of the emotions and thoughts that many adoptees have.

That’s why I was so interested to read, Fugitive Visions: An Adoptee’s Return to Korea by Jane Jeong Trenka. A couple of years ago, I’d read Trenka’s first book, Language of Blood. But that memoir ended before she had returned to live in Korea. Trenka has been outspoken in her criticism of international adoption and currently works with TRACK (Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoptive Community in Korea) to advocate for adoptee rights. This is one author some adoptive parents want to avoid. But honestly I find I learn the most from listening to the stories that are hardest to hear.

And Trenka’s story is, in many ways, hard to hear. As an adoptive parent you don’t want to imagine a future in which your child is no longer speaking to you. (Trenka hasn’t seen or spoken to her American parents in years).

As an adoptive parent, you don’t want to hear how Trenka feels as if she fits nowhere. In culture and attitude she’s American. Yet as an Asian American she’s never felt fully accepted in the US. In biology she’s Korean. Yet unlike Koreans who have grown up in Korean families, she doesn’t speak the same language or know the cultural nuisances of Korea.

We don’t want to imagine a future in which our children struggle. All parents want life to be easy for their children, yet there’s little about adoption and growing up in a multiracial family that is easy.

Fugitive Visions chronicles Trenka’s return to Korea to live. While the first book was about growing up in a predominately white town in Minnesota, this book touches on that as well. It includes Trenka’s reconnection with her older sister (the two were adopted together into the same American family). It discusses her relationships with her biological family and with other adoptees who are living in Korea. Here are some things from this memoir that stood out to me.

After struggling with her relationship with her mother, as an adult Trenka wanted to make peace with her mom. “I told her how it was growing up in that town, how profoundly painful and lonely it was in all that whiteness, and I asked her why she didn’t stand up for me and she said, ‘So what, all kids are mean, everyone gets teased, if they didn’t tease you for being Korean they would have teased you for something else like being fat, so why do you expect special treatment.’ At that moment I knew that my white mother doesn’t see me…doesn’t see how other people see me…chooses to see me without my body…because she can make that choice…she can choose to live in her imagination where I am white too…because I am her daughter…and she does not see that during those eighteen years I lived in her house I was not human… .”

In first-grade, Jane had a book bag that said, “Don’t Bug Me,” which she used to cover her face on the school bus as a defense against bullying. When her mother wanted to get a new bag for second grade, Jane couldn’t explain why she wanted the same bag. Her family had never discussed racial issues or bullying.

“You can’t talk about what you don’t have vocabulary for. That includes not just racial hatred but also racial friendship.” Jane went on to explain how her closest friends in high school were refugees or children of mixed marriages. They connected because their experiences growing up were similar.

And at one point Trenka talks about how she often chastised by Koreans for butchering the language. Yet white adoptive parents who are in Korea to pick up their children are praised for any Korean use speak, no matter how poorly it’s spoken. Trenka’s upbringing more closely resembles those of the American parents, yet the expectations of the Koreans have of her are totally different.

This touched me deeply because I was praised in Korea for what little Korean I could speak. I hate the fact that someday those same people might have a very different reaction to my Korean-born son attempting to speak what should have been his native language.

In many ways, Trenka has had a rough life and the scars of that life run deep. Yet she says many times how much she loves her American parents. It seems she longs to connect with them, but without her parents being able to honestly see her for who she is and what’s she’s experienced, she’s unable to make the connection.

I understand that no parent is perfect, yet every parental generation longs to do better in one area or another than the previous generation. This book made me long to do better; it made me more committed to parent differently than previous generations of adoptive parents. To be open with my son about the loss and sadness of adoption. To try to understand and be emphatic to him if or when he struggles. To become part of the Korean American community, to have diversity surrounding us and have a life that reflects my son. To have him learn the language of his birth and speak it fluently as not having the ability to communicate is one of the biggest barriers adoptees face when returning to their birth countries.

Do I believe that doing that will mean my son won’t struggle? No, I don’t. I understand that even with a different parenting style my son might struggle with his adoption and identity. My goal is to be educated and ready so I can support him if or when that happens.

Korean Language Primer

It seems like more and more adoptive families are wanting to learn the languages of their children’s birth culture, which we think is great. We started our Korean language learning three years while waiting for our son to come home. We were fortunate to find a willing teacher who sacrificed her Saturday mornings to get us started. We learned some essential phrases and a even impressed a couple of people in Korean with our use of those phrases.

Since coming home with our son three years ago, we’ve had a harder time continuing our education. This fall our son could have started Korean school but with the economy what it is, there just isn’t money for that at this time. So I’ve been looking for other ways to learn. In this post, I’m going to share some language links that can help you get started learning Korean.

Let’s Speak Korean on YouTube.com is an excellent resource. I’ve just recently found this one. Each episode is approximately 10 minutes long and goes over essential phrases in Korean. It’s easy to understand but they don’t Romanize (put into the English alphabet) the phrases, so it’s helpful to know your Korean alphabet.

The Korean alphabet can be practiced at this site put together by Indiana University. This site goes over how to pronounce basic vowels, complex vowels, and consonants, as well as gives words that have that sound. You’ll hear both a male speaker and a female speaker pronounce each sound and word.

Another site by Indiana Universitys is a Multimedia Korean Dictionary. Set up like the previous site listed, this one goes over words and phrases that are common, such as colors, animals, clothing, numbers, and more. Again you’ll hear each word or phrases pronounced twice, once by a male speaker and again by a female speaker.

Learn-Korean.net is another online resource. This one has several lessons, but I don’t believe any have audio. Most words and phrases, however, are romanized so learning to pronounce words might be easier. I would say this site is best used in conjunction with the sites already listed since they include audio of the pronounciation.

SurvivalPhrases.com is another great resource. While there is a subscription service on this site, there are several free lessons available online or through iTunes. Each lesson also has a downloadable PDF guide to help you through the lesson.

Korean Language Online is part of the Indiana University language center. I’ve just been introduced to this one so I haven’t had a chance to do much with it. It seems like most of it is listening. The audio files reference a book, but I haven’t found it on the site yet. I think it’s helpful to both see the words written in hangul and pronounced. Seeing the characters as you’re hearing them reenforces which character makes which sound. This site does have multiple levels of learning, which is cool. I’ll have to spend more time exploring this site, for sure.

If you search the Internet, you’ll find many more resources to help you learn Korean. The ones listed here are my current favorites. As previously promised, I still plan to post words and phrases that are useful for adoptive families with a new baby home from Korea. But hopefully these sites will help you get started learning Korean.

Be Prepared, Part 2–The Expanded Version

Last week I wrote about what to do while you’re waiting for your child to come home to you. But I felt that I should expound on some of those ideas, as well as add some that weren’t included in the first round.

Learn the Language. Of course, you probably aren’t going to become fluent in the language of your child’s birth culture while you’re waiting. But you can learn some important words and phrases that might help with the transition. A few such phrases might be:
Yes
No
Hello
Goodbye
I love you
I don’t understand
Don’t be afraid
It’s OK
I plan to do a post in the future with some of these words and phrases in Korean that you can use.

And learn some songs in that language to sing as lullabies once your child is home. If your child was born in Korea, you can check out the links I’ve previously posted to songs on YouTube. There are also several shopping sites that have CDs with Korean children’s songs or lullabies. I’m sure you can find the same type of CDs in other languages too. We bought a children’s song CD in Korea and used it every day at nap time. Our son loved hearing the language that was familiar to him.

Find out about foods your child is eating. In Korea most babies eat jook, which is a rice porridge. Eating similar foods may be comforting to your child, so why not learn to make a few things now. Here is a recipe for jook, although I’m sure you can find many variations. Babies also drink barley tea in Korea. Our son’s formula was even mixed with barley tea. You can find it at your local Korean market, or if there isn’t one in your area, Komart online has it too.

Make a list of questions, if you’re meeting the foster family. This can be invaluable to you as you learn to parent to your child. What is your child’s daily schedule like? What is his temperament? Ask about the day before and the day of pick up. What did the foster family do with and for your child? Did they have a party? Or pack bags of clothes and items that will go home with the child? If you’re child has a sudden outburst once you’re home, knowing these things can help you understand what’s triggering it. (Maybe the child associates parties with getting a new family.) What about favorite TV shows? Many of the Korean children’s shows are available on DVD and VHS. If you know which ones she likes, you can purchase some either there or once you’re home (several shopping sites have them). Does your child have a favorite toy or blanket? If so, ask if the child can take it with them.

Line up help, but not for the baby. For bonding, it’s best if the parents do 100 percent of the baby care. Feeding, soothing, diapering, and bathing should all be things that only the parents do. But that doesn’t mean that others can’t help you. Ask your family and friends to provide meals for you. It might be best to have the meals brought before you travel and have them in the freezer. You’ll all be tired and jet lagged once you get home, especially during the first week or so, and may not be eating on your normal schedule for the first several days. Family and friends can also help with cleaning or laundry or grocery shopping. If you have older kids, family and friends can help by taking the older kids out for special activities or making sure they get where they need to go (school, activities, etc.).

Having a new baby home is exhausting; having a newly adopted baby is no less exhausting. Our friends didn’t seem to understand that we essentially had a 20-pound newborn when we arrived home from Korea. He was 9 months old so they assumed he would be sleeping through the night (still not at almost 4). “You’re past all that newborn stuff,” they said.

Nothing could have been further from the truth. We had a baby whose whole world had been turned upside down. He had no idea what was happening and was starting over, just as if he were a newborn. The more you know, the better prepared you’ll be. I tell parents to expect and be educated for the worst. More than likely, it won’t be that bad but at least if it is, you’re armed and ready to do what you have to do.