Be Part of the Solution

Today begins National Adoption Month (it’s November every year), and honestly my feelings about this celebration are conflicted. Yes, my family was built through adoption and I wouldn’t trade J for anything. But I’m wiser now.

For example, I just saw this on Facebook:

 There are 7 billion people in our world. Of these people, about 210 million are orphans. To put this into perspective, the population of the US is around 300 million. The 2011 US average price for a car is $30,000. The average cost of an international/domestic adoption is $30,000. November is National Adoption Month. Don’t just “think” about it. BE a part of the solution. Ask me about building or adding to your family through adoption.

Statements like this bother me because it’s my understanding that so many of those 210 million orphans (if that’s even a true statistic) don’t have to be classified as such. It’s not that many of these children don’t have parents; what they have are parents who for one reason or another can’t care for them. And since adopting I’ve learned that Americans often contribute to the circumstances that prevent these families from staying intact. Our consumerism spreads across the globe and changes lifestyles of those in other countries. (Note: The last chapter in Cheri Register’s book Are Those Kids Yours? talks about this fact, giving examples of how we help create these situations. The book maybe to 20 years old, but it’s still very relevant to the adoptive community.)

It’s not that I don’t think children deserve families–they definitely do. But I think first and foremost, children deserve to be with the families they were born into. Of course, not every birth family is equipped to parent children. I’m not saying that every child, regardless of circumstances, should be left with birth families.

What I’m saying is that I believe we, as Americans, should look first at what we can do to support keeping families together. That may sound like an American thinking they can dictate things to other countries, but that’s not how I feel either.

I believe that most parents want to keep their kids. And if there is something I can do to help that become a reality that is where I’ll put my time and money. Now I choose to ”BE part of the solution” by supporting organizations that work to help these families who face hardships that might tear the family apart.

I’m not against adoption–there are definitely kids who need homes and those children should definitely have loving families. But a loving family doesn’t solve the problems. It doesn’t address the issues causing the break up of these families. Nor does it completely solve the issues for the child, since adoption is messy and comes with loss and trauma.

My prayer is that more families will become educated about the circumstances resulting in these “orphans.” And that instead of rushing in as savior, they instead begin looking to be part of the real solution–keeping families together.

Raible’s “Letter to a Lucky Adoptee”

There are many blogs that I frequent, some done by adoptees and others by adoptive parents. One of my favorites is John Raible Online. Many of my thoughts have been challenged by this blog, and I’ve learned so much from him over the years. His latest post is one of the best. It’s titled “Letter to a Lucky Adoptee” and is addressed to the Transracial Adoptee of the 21st Century.

While I highly recommend you read the post for yourself, I want to summarize it here. The letter begins talking about how hard Raible and other transracial adoptees of his generation had it. How they were mostly raised in all-white communities, rarely knew other transracial adoptees or people of color, and struggled to find where they fit as they grew into adulthood. It goes on to say how much better adoptees of this generation have it since their parents are taught about race, culture, diversity, and identity development, and embrace those messages. Basically how since today’s adoptive parents are being so proactive in parenting their transracial adoptees that some of the sting is taken out of adoption.

I don’t know if Raible intended for this post to be dripping with sarcasm but that’s how I read it based on my own experience. As I sit here, I’m wondering if there is any way to get a good-size group of adoptive Korean families in my area involved in some cultural opportunities that have presented themselves to us. There is a good-size number of families, but only a handful are interested in culture.

Honestly for the last four-plus years, I’ve thought that most adoptive families would do culture if it were made easy for them. I happen to love research and I have a naturally curious nature. I enjoy learning new things and challenging myself. But I realize that not everyone is like that.

Still I thought that even if most adoptive parents aren’t like me, that they at least understood the importance of diversity, understanding birth culture, learning the language, and interacting with the local ethnic community that their child is a part of. I thought they would give weight to what adult adoptees are saying; to what therapist who work in the adoptive community are saying; and that they would provide those things even if it’s not easy. I think I was wrong.

Of course, there are probably more adoptive families than ever embracing the messages they are hearing. And that’s so wonderful! I run across families online all the time who are being proactive in their adoption parenting. But from my overall experience, it doesn’t seem the message has hit its mark across the board. When I hear APs completely discount the “experts” in the adoption field (adoptees, social workers, therapists) because “who knows, in another 20 years they could be telling parents their children should just assimilate again,” I feel that the understanding of these messages just isn’t getting through to enough parents to really make a difference for this generation of adoptees.

Yes, it’s true that “expert” recommendations come and go. Eggs are bad for you; no, eggs are really good for you. I get that. But I don’t believe the message that adoption experts are sending to today’s adoptive parents are going to slide backward. I think it’s more like child safety laws. Can anyone picture us returning to the mindset that safety seats aren’t needed in cars and that kids shouldn’t wear protective gear when riding bikes? Of course not, because instead of loosening these guidelines, they are becoming more stringent with time. Now kids shouldn’t just be in car seats but they should be in them longer and even rear facing longer if possible. That’s because the more we learn about the impact these safety devices have on our kids, the more important they become.

In just my five years in the adoption community, I’ve seen the same thing happening with the messages from the experts. Instead of loosening back up and leaning toward assimilation and “love is enough” again, they are becoming more focused on diversity and the importance of it. When we started our journey, we were encouraged to embrace our son’s birth culture and to understand what it would be like to be the only Korean in the family.

Now when I read books, blogs, and magazine articles written by these experts, APs are being encouraged to move to more diverse communities, to attend churches and schools in which their children are reflected, and to become a part of the ethnic community their children are a part of. The message isn’t becoming more lenient.

And, yes, I do understand that proactive adoption parenting is hard work. It’s work for me too. There are days I wish I could ignore the messages I’m receiving and not deal with culture, race, adoption issues, and diversity. It would be so much easier to not worry about my son being the only child of color in any given situation and to tell myself that it won’t be an issue for him. But I can’t do that because I believe it does matter.

This type of parenting doesn’t just happen. You have to make it happen. You, the parent, have to make culture, language, diversity, and dealing with adoption issues head-on a priority for your family. It the midst of school, sports, other extracurricular activities, and everything else you have going on, you have to put culture, language, diversity, etc., at the top of your priority list.

My hope, my prayer, for adoptive families is that more parents begin to understand and embrace the messages they are receiving. That the next generation of adoptees can have it better than past generations because their parents were willing to do the work. After all, it was the parents who knowingly signed up for the adoptive parenting journey, not the child.

Homework and Tools

So, some of you already know that I participate in a couple of online forums/discussion board relating to transracial adoption. And sometimes my posts here come from something I’ve read on one of the other sites. That’s the case with this one.

A recent thread asked what do you wish you’d known before you adopted your child. My answer was that I wish I’d better understand that dealing with adoption issues would be a lifelong journey for our family, not something that required only an initial adjustment period. But it was a couple of other comments that spurred this post.

One member talked about having the right “tool” to help your child, and I love that idea. So many parents I interact with (both online and IRL) aren’t on an adoption continuing education program. They might have read a book or two before their child came home. Or maybe they feel like that raising an adopted child is in no way different from raising a biological one. Or I’ve also heard several times that “it didn’t matter how much I read because nothing prepared me for the reality anyway.”

So I loved the idea of having the right tool for your child. But to have the right tool, you must have a toolbox. And for adoptive parents that toolbox is education and knowledge.

Yes, every adopted child is unique and each one may need different tools and approaches. But the fact is that human nature is human nature, meaning that we all have many commonalities among us too. So even though our children are unique, we can learn ways to help them by reading books and blogs, attending seminars and classes, and listening to the stories of those who have gone before us. Then we file it all away so it’s accessible when issues do arise. Having that information tucked away means you’re more likely to recognize an issue for what it is (adoption-related) instead of passing it off as age or phases. Then you know where to go to get the right tool for the job.

Another mother said she felt prospective parents should be asked to do “homework” before their child comes home. In doing this homework they would be asked to locate resources in their area and online that will be helpful as they raise their child (ethnic community resources like cultural schools/camps, restaurants, markets;  therapists in the area that work with attachment; online resources about adoption and cultural information; and adoption support groups). Then once the child is home, the legwork has been done and the parents know where to turn for help. That’s an awesome idea!

It’s true that book learning isn’t going to completely prepare you for the real-life experience of adoption parenting. But in my opinion without book learning, you’ll be completely lost as an adoptive parent. Yes, I’m only four years into my adoption parent journey. But one thing I’ve learned is that without education, most of it coming since our child came home, I really have  no hope on becoming an expert on my own child. If I don’t understand the role that adoption, trauma, loss, and race play in his life, I can never truly understand him and what he’s going through. Without true understanding, I can’t really help him as he processes his experiences.

It’s only through continuing education that I understand some of the ideas and thoughts my son has about our current, very unsettled existence. Only because I’ve made a concerted effort to gain knowledge and understanding can I approach the job of parenting my son with the right tools.

Why Wait?

The process of international adoption seems to just get longer. And during the process, the wait is excruciating. But you know, the wait provides some wonderful opportunities too–opportunities to begin learning about and embracing your child’s birth culture.

While you have to wait until you’re matched with your child to begin lifebooks and nursery decorating, birth culture education can start as soon as you’ve identified the country that you’ll be adopting from. And the sooner the better, I think.

Our birth culture education began about three weeks into our process. An emphasis was put on embracing and honoring our child’s birth culture during our parents-in-process class, and we took the message to heart. Within a couple of weeks, we’d located and eaten at a Korean restaurant and started calling around looking for Korean language classes in our area. About a month after our class ended, we’d found someone to begin teaching us Korean.

And while we didn’t waste any time learning about Korea and it’s language, I still wish we’d done more. realistically I tell myself that we probably did just about all we could during our embarassingly-short wait (six months from seeing our son’s photo and starting our homestudy to bringing him home). But I wish I’d known more Korean–songs and phrases that might have been comforting to our son. I wish I’d know about jook, the porridge-like soup that babies eat in Korea. I wish we’d made more connections with our local Korean community.

Many families today have two- to five-year processes to adopt internationally. It seems like the perfect time to begin learning about the birth culture; just think of how much a person can learn in that time period. During the wait you want something to occupy your time. Not to mention once you have an adjusting baby or toddler at home, your time to learn new things will be limited for a while.  

But if you’re diligent about embracing the birth culture from the start, the birth culture can already be a part of your family by the time the child comes home. Cooking food from that culture could be second nature; just a regular part of your family’s menu. Family members could be regularly using words and phrases from the birth culture’s language. You could be well-versed in the birth culture’s etiquette, history, and pop culture (if the country is more modern), giving your family and especially the child you’re bringing home a wonderful foundation in the birth culture. And you already have friends and connections within the ethnic community that your child will be a part of.

So with the majority of the adoptive parenting advice these days noting the importance of embracing the birth culture, why aren’t more families taking advantage of the time they have before their child comes home to delve in? My thought is that most families don’t because they still see the birth culture as something for the adopted child to embrace, but not something that should be of interest to the whole family.

Adoption parenting is complex (yes, I know all parenting is complex, but adoption parenting has extra layers), and embracing the birth culture is an important part of that complexity. When we bring an international adoptee into our families, the family unit becomes multicultural and transracial. I think showing that we love our children’s birth cultures (even if it means working to learn to the love it) and making those cultures part of our everyday family life helps give our children a much-needed foundation that they’ll be able to build on as they grow.

After all, even as Americans, our children’s ethnicity and birth culture will continue to be part of who they are.  So we, as parents, should be leading by example and making it OK for our kids to embrace that part of themselves. And in the process, we can have a lot of fun learning about a new culture.

Crash Course in Transracial Parenting

Earlier this week John Raible had a great post over at his site. It was titled “Crash Course in Transracial Parenting.” In the introduction to the course, John writes:

While transracial adoption may be all the rage, most agencies still don’t provide a parenting manual for every white adopter of children of color. No matter how Rich or Famous the parent might happen to be!But you’re in luck. Here, free of charge, is a Crash Course for transracial adoptive parents. Think of it as your guide to getting the education that you will absolutely need in order to effectively and ethically raise an adopted child of color in the United States (and possibly in comparable white settler nations, such as Canada and Australia).

The post goes on to list resources (books, blogs, and movies) that John believes all parents of transracial adoptees should be using. And the source of most, if not all, of the resources on the list are adult adoptees. Yep, while many parents bristle when it comes to adult adoptees, the fact is that those who have been-there-done-that are the most qualified to help us on our journey.

During the last four years, I’ve seen a transformation in myself as an adoptive parent. And much of that transformation can be attributed to listening to adult adoptees (both IRL and those I keep up with through the Web). I think I’ll include more about my transformation in a separate post. But I found it interesting that I’d followed the path John suggests, even before the Crash Course was posted.

So if you’re parenting a transracially adopted child, I’d recommend reading over and going through the Crash Course. You’ll find it here: http://johnraible.wordpress.com/2010/05/25/crash-course-in-transracial-parenting/

Note that there are more resources listed in the comments of the post, including links or where to find some of the resources that John includes in his list. If you’d like company as you go through the Crash Course, some parents have started a blog that will serve as a discussion board for those going through the course. You’ll find that blog at: http://traparenting.wordpress.com/about/.

A Window of Opportunity?

Today we had our first Korean class for adoptive families in our city. It’s a class run by Korean American teens as a way for adoptive families to make connections with each other and Korean American families, as well as provide role models for our kids. And it was AWESOME!

I’ve been looking forward to the class for two weeks now and sometimes when you build something up, you’re disappointed. But not so today; it lived up to every expectation. I love seeing my son in the midst of others who look like him–he thrives in those situations and today was no exception.

But lately I’ve heard from a few other families who’s kids are early to mid-elementary school age that their kids are resistant to culture and talk about adoption. And it’s made we wonder if we as adoptive parents have a window of opportunity in which to bring culture and adoption talk into our families so it’s just normal.

These families admit that their children have had limited exposure to their birth culture, language, and other Korean Americans. And that, while adoption talks have happened in their families, they didn’t start early. Now, as the parents are feeling more like these things should be a regular part of their family’s life, the children seem to have no interest, or are even hostile toward the subjects.

Counter that with a couple of other families I know who have, from the beginning, placed an emphasis on the family (all members, not just adoptees) learning the language, celebrating and observing birth culture, talking about adoption, and being around other Korean Americans. The 10-year-olds and 7-year-olds in these houses enjoy learning Korean and doing Korean things. They’re comfortable around other Korean Americans and seem comfortable talking about their adoption and birth families.

Is it personality? Or is it how the parents have approached these subjects? Nature? Nurture? A little of both?

It’s probably a little of both. But I do believe that the earlier you make birth culture, diversity, talks about adoption and race, part of your family, the more comfortable everyone will be with the subjects. I’ve heard many parents say, “If/when my child shows an interested in Korean things, language, etc., I’ll be happy to provide with them the opportunities they need. I’ll just wait for them to take the lead.”

But it seems to me that by the time they might be asking (7, 8, 9 years old) the door may be closing. They may feel that it’s not acceptable to talk about these subjects because their parents have never shown an interested. Or they may feel that to show an interest will only make them stand out from their family.

I believe another key is for everyone in the family to participate–singling out the adoptee to participate in events or learn the language just further separates him and shows again that he’s different from his other family members. Growing up I always hated it when adults seemed to expect more of me than they did of themselves. And I’ve tried to remember that in parenting.

So often you hear that you really parent by example–you can say something all day but if you’re not doing it, the words have little impact. I think the same logic applies to adoption issues, birth culture, and language. You need to set the example by doing those things yourself; by showing they are important to you.

It will be interesting to see what our son is like in three or four years. We’ve taken a very proactive approach to our parenting but only time will tell if the example we’re trying to set for our son will make a difference in how he feels as he grows.

Can You Always “Grow Where You’re Planted”?

Note: This post delves into one of the parable’s Christ taught and what the Bible says about the above statement.

A popular saying in the adoption world these days is “grow where you’re planted.” The message seems to be that no matter where you were originally rooted, you can always be successfully replanted and grow in a new environment.

I personally have never been sure that this statement is true for everyone. Then recently I was reading about the parable of the sower in Matthew 13 (verses 3-8). While I know that Christ was talking about those who hear the gospel, I felt that the story has an application to adoption and the statement “grow where you’re planted.” For the sake of space, here’s my paraphrase of this parable.

This story is about a farmer who goes out to sow seed. Some seed fell beside the road and the birds ate it. Some seed fell on rocky ground and the seedlings sprang up quickly, but without deep soil in which to take root they died. Other seed fell among thorns (weeds), which choked the life out of the plant. And some fell on good soil and yielded a nice crop.

What follows is my adoption analogy on the parable of the sower. I’ve concentrated on international/transracial adoption since that’s what I know best. The different types of soil represent the different approaches of adoptive parents. The seed represents adoptees.

The Path–These are parents who believe that love is enough and that children who are adopted can be brought up exactly the same way biological children are raised. They don’t want to hear about race, diversity, or that their child is different. Children growing up with such parents may not feel they can or should talk about the difficult issues that face adoptees. Or they don’t have the language to discuss the issues because they’ve never been talked about in the home.

Rocky Soil–These are parents who do museum culture and believe it’s enough. It’s the once-a-year visit to an ethnic restaurant and learning ancient dances or musical performances. It might be going to culture camp once a year. There’s just enough soil to give the adoptee a start, but not enough depth for them to really grow and embrace who they are.

Thorny Soil–These parents “get” some part of the adoption equation. Maybe they understand the loss and trauma of adoption, but don’t understand the need for diversity in their child’s life. Or they embrace the culture, but don’t believe that early loss and trauma can continue to have an impact throughout a person’s life. The fact that the parents understand some things about adoption allows the adoptee to grow to a point. But once confronted with difficult issues like racism they don’t have the space to continue to grow because they can’t rely on their parents to really understand the issue.

Good soil–These are the parents that “get it.” They understand the loss and trauma, the need for diversity and role models, the importance of embracing the child’s culture, and the need to learn the language of the birth country. Are they perfect? Of course not. But they understand the whole package when it comes to adoption. They aren’t threatened by birth parents and they’re enthusiastic participants when it comes the child’s birth culture and language. They work to give their children a firm foundation by talking about adoption and embracing cultural activities and diversity from infancy. They do this as a family so as to not single out the adoptee. Then, as the child grows these parents allow the child to begin to take the lead.

Clearly in the parable told by Christ, some of the seed could not grow where it was planted. And it wasn’t the seeds fault that it fell in a place where it couldn’t sustain life. The seed had no choice at all about where it fell.

I believe it’s the same with adoption. I don’t believe all adoptees can grow fully where they are planted. The adoptee had no choice over the adoption or the family he was adopted into.

Think about plants–all plants need sun, water, and nourishment from the soil. But not all plants need exactly the same amounts of sun and water, or the same kind of nourishment. Adoptees are like plants; each one needs the right soil for them. And while the right soil isn’t the same for every adoptee, I bet there are some common denominators just like all plants need sun, light, and nourishment.

I feel one common denominator for adoptees is having an open, honest, and relaxed dialogue about adoption, birth families, and race. The key to being comfortable with this complex issues is to start early, even in infancy.

I can remember talking to my son about his birth mother in the first month or two he was home and it felt so awkward. I was just starting to feel like his mom and here I was talking to him about another mom. But those early talks allowed me to get past the awkwardness and now it’s normal and natural to talk about our son’s birth family.

Another common denominator is to live out embracing the child’s birth culture as a family. Children who were born in another country deserve to know about that culture but they also deserve to learn about it without it singling them out within the adoptive family. When we adopted our son, we became a multicultural family. And just as our son will learn the American culture in which he’s being raised, we felt that it was our duty and responsibility as parents to learn about the culture in which he was born. One of the greatest gifts I feel we can give our son is the language of his birth. But it’s not something we plan for him to do alone–my husband and I are learning the language to.

Adoption agencies, adoption experts, and adult adoptees are now teaching about and encouraging families to live out these common denominators. They’re educating about the importance of being open and honest not just about adoption and birth families but about issues like race. They’re encouraging families to live diverse lives and make sure children have role models and mentors of the same ethnicity. They’re asking families to embrace the child’s birth culture and help the children have a knowledge and understanding of that culture. And, if at possible, make sure the child learns his birth language, since language is such a key to making connections.

Those are the things that go into making sure our children have good soil in which to grow. By starting early, instead of waiting for our children to take the lead, we as parents are preparing the soil in which our kids will grow. But as they grow, each adoptee’s need and interest should guide the continued nourishment they receive. Some may need more talks about adoption; others may need more about race; while another might need to do more with the culture.

But before any growth can take place, the soil must be prepared and that’s our job as adoptive parents. Adoption experts are teaching about these preparations because they too know that without good soil, you really can’t “grow where you’re planted.”

A Million and a Half Ways–A Lesson in Adoption Parenting

I recently saw this quote on a friend’s Facebook page, “The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” — Jill Churchill

Well, if there are 1 million ways to be a good parent to biological kids, I believe there must be 1.5 million ways to be a good adoptive parent. Parenting an adopted child, as I’ve said before, is just different. Honestly, bio children would probably be better off if their parents learned the things that adoptive parents are taught. So much of adoptive parenting is about being in-tune with your child and being honest and open with them. And what child couldn’t benefit from that type of parental relationship.

I’ve just finished reading Sherrie Eldridge’s newest book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed. It’s now on my “must read” list for adoptive parents. If you’ve done much reading on adoption, you’ll be familiar with most of the 20 things. But Eldridge’s book pulls so much information together–about grief, honesty, birth parents, hope, mixed feelings, and so much more.

Every chapter ends with a couple of sections that are the real jewels of this book, in my opinion. One of those sections titled “Listen to Your Child’s Heart” describes how your adopted children may feel about that chapter’s subject as a child, teen, and adult. Next comes the “Draw Closer–Action Steps for Parents and Kids” section. This section describes activities, books, and conversations that can help us foster intimacy with our children. And lastly, each chapter ends with a page of Support Group Discussion Questions, which make this an excellent choice for an adoption-related book club.

Many of the messages in Eldridge’s book are hard for adoptive parents to hear. But the book doesn’t leave you feeling inadequate for the journey. It leaves you feeling empowered, having given you tools and resources to assist in on your unique parenting journey.

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that our son has been struggling off and on since last spring with his permanence in our family. As I’ve asked around, I’ve found that some of his questions may be age-related, as children around age 4 start trying to figure out how each member of the family fits (my mom is his grandmother, for example). But my gut has been telling me it’s something more.

My heart aches each time my son asks me to “protect” him, usually when he’s only going to the next room in the house. He’s definitely attached to me and my husband, but it seems to me that his connection is strained and he doesn’t feel as secure as could. After reading books like Eldridge’s and Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen, I understand better what types of situations may cause strain on J’s connection to us. Gaining independence is one such situation, which is exactly what 4-year-old yearn to do. I think for our son that yearning is causing mixed feelings–”I want to do it by myself but doing that means moving away from needing my parents, which I don’t want to do.”

But having a strained connection was something I had no understanding of when we were early in our adoption journey. Like many parents, I thought once we’d formed a bond with our son, we were good to go. Now I know that adoption parenting isn’t that easy and goes far beyond forming that initial bond.

It’s really about those 1.5 million things you can do to best parent your child. In general some of those things when parenting a transracial adoptee are understanding race and racism; being open about loss and trauma of adoption; being willing to put yourself in situations where you are the minority; helping your child form a connection with his birth country and language; and understanding that love is not enough.

It’s true that not every adoptee will need the same things. Effective adoptive parenting, I believe, comes when you’re educated enough to know how your child might feel in certain situations or about certain issues; when you can recognize a reaction for what it truly is, instead of passing it off as “too sensitive” or “ridiculous.”

Pre-adoption education is great, but it’s just the beginning. Once your child is home your education MUST continue. Read books about adoption, especially those that are hardest to read. Read blogs by adult adoptees. Learn all you can about how what adoptees are thinking.

That’s how you’ll find the 1.5 million ways you can be a good parent to your child or children.

Adopted: The Movie

A few months back I’d heard the buzz about this movie, but until we got Netflix recently, I didn’t have a way to watch it.  This past weekend it arrived in the mail and my husband and I settled in to watch it. I don’t know what I was expecting exactly, but this film exceeded my expectations in a gut-wrenching way.

For those who haven’t seen it, the documentary film follows two families: the Fero family, including 32-year-old Jennifer who was adopted from Korea as an infant, and the Trainer family, who are in the process of adopting from China. It chronicles Jennifer’s search for identity, sparked by learning that her mother has terminal cancer, and the Trainer’s journey to their daughter.

And the similarities are striking. While Jennifer’s adoption took place in 1975 when adoptive parents received little to no training in adoptive parenting, the education received by the Trainers (adopting in 2006) doesn’t seem to be much better or at least hasn’t been taken to heart. Jacqui Trainer admits to owning three attachment books, two of which she skimmed and one that she said she’d read most of. They were depressing, she said, so she decided that she would set them aside, and if she needed them later, she would know where to look for the information.

The Trainers acknowledge that there may be tough times ahead once their daughter comes home–that they will be “turning her world upside down” and that ”she’ll be grieving.” But they  feel that they have enough love to cover the hard issues they might face.

In contrast Jennifer’s story is saying that love isn’t enough. She’s conflicted because her parents loved and nurtured her, and she loves her family, yet she says she’s felt empty. “I want my whole identity; my whole life,” Jennifer says. “It’s not rejection of my family; it’s just wanting to be authentic and real.”

Jennifer talks several times about how adoptees are always the ones adapting–from a very early age and possibly over and over. “Families adopt; adoptees adapt. Adoptees are chameleons because they don’t want to be abandoned again,” she said. “So you make sure every thing appears perfect.”

Once the Trainers have their daughter, Roma, home, they say things have been much easier than they’d expected. Roma rarely cries, they say, and she was “fully attached” to her adoptive father on day three of them being a family and warmed up to her adoptive mother by day nine to 10. “I’m sorry, yes, we have the perfect child,” Jacqui says. John adds, “She seems well-rounded. If she has an underlying issue, she’s not made it known.”

Jennifer’s struggles are heart wrenching. She longs for her parents to acknowledge her for who she really is, yet her parents don’t feel it’s necessary to talk about her adoption and race. At one point her father says, “I think she should be thankful she’s here. And I think there’s an overemphasis on the fact that she’s Korean.”

Jennifer’s mother once wonders why Jennifer didn’t share her racial issues with the family as they were happening during her school years. Jennifer says she was too embarrassed by racial taunting in school to talk about it with her family and instead rage began to grow inside her. “I remember being around 12 or 13 and coming out of my room just to yell at my mom. I had so much rage toward her. Because of all the people, a mother should get the angst that I was going through being Asian in a white family and a white community.”

Often in the adoption community, adoptees like Jennifer who are processing what adoption really means for them and who are speaking out about the hard issues that come from adoption are labeled as “angry and bitter.” Yet I don’t see bitterness or anger in Jennifer. I see a wounded little girl who was never allowed to fully grasp what had happened to her.

“This isn’t about what my parents did wrong; I mean look at all the things they did right. It’s about that 9-year-old girl who didn’t have the language. I’m her voice. You can overcompensate and sugar-coat the adoption story … but you’re only getting her because she was abandoned. And she knows that at a younger age than you can image.”

I know that not all international adoptees feel the way Jennifer does, but books and blogs and list-serves have shown me that many have experienced issues similar to those Jennifer details. And while watching Jennifer’s journey made my heart ache for her, I had to wonder how Roma Trainer will feel when she’s older. Will she experience the same emotions? Will she feel that her parents really didn’t understand the journey they embarked on when they brought her home from China? If so, how sad will that be? After all, they have the resources–including adoptees like Jennifer Fero–to help them understand the adoptee’s journey, if only they will listen.

“I don’t have any resentment toward my parents. I feel they did the best they could; they loved me and nurtured me,” Jennifer says. “If people adopt today, I expect them to do better.”

And that’s the question really. Is this current generation of adoptive parents doing it better? Have we learned from adoptees who have been through the struggle? Are we changing the way we parent so it encompasses all of who are children are?

My hope is that we are; my fear is that not enough are hearing the message. I’m thankful for Jennifer and other adoptees who are speaking out, sharing the most intimate of journeys to help me better parent my son. And I hope I am doing “better.”

Your Adoption Story Is Not Your Child’s Story

Recently I’ve heard a couple of adoptive parents describe two of the highly recommended adoption books as “negative.” (FYI, the books being referred to were Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge and Beyond Good Intentions by Cheri Register.) And the description bothered me–it seemed harsh, especially when one of the books was written by an adoptee. 

Both books detail some of the hard truths about adoption–loss, trauma, racial issues, etc. And those truths can be difficult to hear, no doubt. But I feel like I’m a better adoptive parent for having read, and taken to heart, those hard truths. So I began thinking about why an adoptive parent would label these books as negative, and I had a light-bulb moment. It’s because adoption is a completely different experience for most adoptive parents and adopted children.

For the parents adoption is filled with joy and love. It’s a way to become a parent for the first time or expand a family already filled with the joy of children. It’s the agony of waiting, which is completely forgotten in the elation of meeting your child for the first time. Adoption is a one-time event in the lives of the adoptive parents. They go through the process, finalize the adoption, and it’s done–they’re a family.

For the child, adoption is a lifetime experience. An experience that’s filled with trauma, loss (of families, culture, language), sadness, questions, and feelings of not belonging, as well as joy and love.

I have no doubt that the majority of adoptees love their adoptive parents and families. But from reading about those hard truths, I’ve learned that the joy and love they have in and for their adoptive families doesn’t prevent them from feeling sadness over the families they lost or wondering why they were placed for adoption.

Before we started the process to adopted our son, I too felt that adoption was a win-win. There were children who needed homes, and my husband and I had no desire to have biological kids. Back then I thought it was all joy too. That you just love the kid and everything will be “normal.” But books like the ones written by Eldridge and Register helped enlighten me to truths about adoption. My view pre-adoption was what I now call the “adoption fanatsy”–that adopting or being adopted is no different from having biological kids.

What I’ve learned in the three-plus years I’ve been part of the adoption community is that many adoptive parents never let go of that “adoption fantasy.” They continue believing that love is enough and that adopted children can be raised exactly the same way biological ones are raised. An example of this is that one person I heard call these books negative was a parent-in-process who is waiting for a referral. She’s still educating herself and learning more about adoption. But the other has a child adopted transracially as an infant who has now been home for seven years.

While it’s true that in some areas raising adopted kids is the same (for example, they should be loved, disciplined, and taught responsibility), in many other ways it’s not the same. And it shouldn’t be the same because love ISN’T enough.

Raising an adopted child requires more understanding, a willingness to delve under the surface of behavior and attitudes, an openess to discuss some difficult topics that no child should have to experience. It requires an understanding that being separated from the mother who carried you for nine months is a traumatic experience. That babies feel things we don’t give them credit for feeling. That children aren’t as resilient as our society wants to believe. That our world isn’t a colorblind place in which race doesn’t matter.

That’s what Eldridge’s and Register’s books are trying to say. They’re not trying to be negative but instead are trying to educate adoptive parents about the thoughts and feelings of adoptees. Will every adoptee experience everything covered in these books? Probably not. But the fact seems to be that the majority of adoptees struggle with at least some of these feelings and emotions at some point in their lives.

Our adoption journey thus far has shown me the truth behind the hard facts these authors discuss. While our son is very attached to us, he’s still at times insecure wondering if moving to another family is in his future. The education I’ve received from these books and others like them mean I don’t just brush off his comments or concerns, but instead tackle them head on.

Yes, my adoption journey is quite different from my son’s journey. But my adoption education has allowed me to empathize with his journey in a way I couldn’t have while living in my “adoption fantasy.” Hopefully that will be a help to him as he grows.